Ask Mr. X: “I was in a relationship for 10 months but then we started fighting and broke up…he recently told me he is unhappy. Is it okay to get my hopes up?

“I was in a relationship with a family friend for about 10 months. When we started dating, he told me that he had liked me since we were kids and that he had been waiting for years to confess his love to me. After a few months though, we started fighting a lot. He told me that I was a completely different person than what he had expected, and so he had a hard time accepting me for who I was. One day after a major fight, he broke up with me. It has been 5 months since then but we both are still struggling to get over the hurt and pain. When I met him recently he told me how unhappy he is and the next day we texted a little. Is it okay to get my hopes up again?”

Mr X’s Response

My short answer: Don’t get your hopes up – unless you or your family friend are significantly different people than you were 5 months ago which to be honest (as Mr. X always is), I don’t believe is the case.

Let’s dig a little deeper now. I’ve noticed a couple of things straight off the bat.

Firstly, it seems your family friend has been the driving force in this relationship. From initially developing feelings for you, to enduring years of unrequited love, to professing his love for you, and then to finally breaking up with you. I would recommend that before you get your hopes up, you should ask yourself whether 1). you actually like him or not; and 2). whether he would be good for you. You’d be surprised to find out how many people are in, or have been, in relationships where they don’t really like their partners very much. As Albert Camus once said, “After a while you could get used to anything.”

Secondly: I get it. These 5 months have been tough. You’ve struggled, he’s struggled and following your texting session the other day, you’ve almost turned into an optimist. Again, before getting your hopes up, I would recommend for you to sit down and think about the underlying issues which lead to the fighting during your 10 months together. You should ask yourself questions such as: were the arguments due to legitimate reasons, or were they stupid? Has anything changed to prevent those fights from occurring again? Did you enjoy the relationship? Would making it work this time mean conceding on your part?  

You have some thinking to do. Grab a chai/coffee, put on a lo-fi playlist, light a candle, and start thinking; given that it’s monsoon season, it should lead to a productive thinking session, at least by movie standards.

Godspeed,

Mr. X