By In 2016, the number of people estimated to be suffering from mental health issues like depression and anxiety amounted to roughly 1.1 billion. Since then, numbers have likely continued to rise. Moreover, studies have also shown women especially on average are a) more likely to suffer from mental health issues, and b) less likely to talk about them. The taboo in Pakistan surrounding depression and anxiety disorders only serve to aggravate the individuals suffering even more. For the women who cannot seek out full time therapy, we’ve enlisted the help of a trained therapist. You sent us in your questions – here are the answers!
“I can’t connect with my to-be mother-in-law. She’s very sweet, but I always get very awkward and shy around her. I know this will probably get better with time, but do you have any advice for me? I don’t see her much because they don’t live here so I don’t want it being like this for the short time that she is here.”
Shahrukh’s Response:
Dear Anon,
Building a relationship with anyone, especially in-laws, can take its time. Unlike the people in your usual circle of friends and family, there might be a certain level of pressure and formality that tends to come in when you are trying to form that bond. Questions like “is it okay for me to say this?” / “what shall I wear around her?” / “what if she doesn’t like me” may begin to cross your mind, and it might initially be a little challenging to navigate through a bond like that, and that’s okay. All the stories that we’ve heard growing up give us one simple life lesson: in-laws are scary. While it might not always be true, it’s hard to deny the kind of horror stories we have all heard, so a certain level of apprehension and guardedness is to be expected, and again, that’s alright – most people are shy or awkward around their in-laws, especially in the initial stages. Let’s help you navigate through this process and see how you can build on your relationship with your mother-in-law, and in a way that’s easy and comfortable for you.
Time Is Your Friend
Don’t be so hard on yourself, Anon. It takes time to build a new relationship, especially if you identify as someone who is a little a shyer, and that’s alright. As stated before, in-laws can be tricky, and it’s different from most relationships so you may feel the need to act a certain way, or keep parts of yourself hidden. As much as one would like to be 100% authentic with their in-laws, sometimes that’s easier said than done, especially in a place like Pakistan. So, take your time to get comfortable with them, and take it one day at a time. Here are some ways you can build a relationship with your mother-in-law (or potential mother-in-law), even if you’re not in the same country.
- Give her a call or shoot her a text every now and then: whether it’s a simple check-in, or a longer conversation, consistent communication can be a great tool to help build a relationship. This isn’t something that needs to be done every day, it can be once a week or once every two weeks, or even twice a week, whatever frequency feels right for you. You can also use these check-ins as an opportunity to know them a little better in small ways – their interests, what they like to do during the day, or whatever they would like.
- Express curiosity towards them and their interests: when questions are asked with curiosity and genuine interest, people will begin to open up more. You can ask them about their history, what they were like when they were younger, what their passions and hobbies might be etc.
- Ask your partner for help: when it comes to building a relationship with your mother-in-law, your partner would be the best person to turn to. They would be able to give you a little more insight in terms of what your mother-in-law is like, and perhaps even act as a bridge between you and her.
- If she visits, reach out to her: since she’s not in the country, and your communication will primarily exist on social media or virtual/audio calls, it might be helpful to also set up some meetings in person, whether it’s solo or in the presence of your partner. Reach out to them and ask them if they would like to meet, or if they need any help with settling in.
- Express love and kindness through gifts or acts of service: we’ve all heard the famous saying “actions speak louder than words”, and growing up in Pakistan, one thing that I have seen is that most people, especially from the older generation, tend to use gifts and acts of service as a way of expressing love and respect. So, whether it’s flowers on her birthday, or checking in on her if you hear she’s unwell, or just sending her something that you think she may like, gifts and acts of service can be a way of expressing that affection.
Be Easy On Yourself
Anon, I hear you when you say that you really would like to build a relationship with your mother-in-law, and if it’s not where you would like it to be, be easy on yourself and try not to take on the entire burden of building that relationship, or at a pace that you feel uncomfortable with. It might be a string of baby steps, but overtime your relationship will develop, especially if there is a genuine desire for both parties to do so. Take your time and trust the process!
I hope that this article was helpful! I wish you all the best on your journey – take care and stay in your power!
The above article is written by Shahrukh Shahbaz Malik who is trained in humanistic integrative counselling at CPDD in the UK and currently has her own private practice in Karachi. The views expressed in this article are those of one expert. They do not necessarily represent the views of Mashion, nor do they represent the complete picture of the topic at hand. This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for medical diagnosis, treatment or therapy.
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